Saturday, March 5, 2011

And the other shoe drops....

The next day was wed. and I knew I needed to be at work. It wasnt going to do me one bit of good to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. When I got there my co-worker Marni had some pretty flowers for me! I don't remember much about the morning until I went to my appointment to have my liver ultrasound. I should say here that the minute I left the first drs appointment on Friday my side quit hurting. No pain whatsoever. I have always wondered about that.....was that just a prompting for me to go to the Dr?  Scott picked me up at work and we went down the street to the clinic. He wasn't going to let me go to this one by myself! But for some reason the tech wouldnt let him come in with me. The ultrasounds don't hurt at all but, wow, there is a lot of time to lay there and think all kinds of things! The tech took a TON of pictures. She had a GREAT poker face too. And she didn't talk much so I figured that was a bad sign. When she finally finished getting her portfolio of my insides she let me get dressed and go out to Scott. Poor guy, he was going crazy out there! As we walked to the truck I told Scott that I was afraid that this liver problem might be related to my breast "c". I don't remember his response. Back at work, I went to lunch with all the girls. I have no idea why it didn't dawn on me at the time, but that was the first time we had all been to lunch together! Later I realized they just wanted to be with and support me! Maggie and I had gotten there before the others. I do remember telling her that I thought it was going to be ok, but if it wasn't, I had to be willing for whatever happened. I would have to be ok with that too. As we left, my phone rang. It was my new dr. "Kendra, can you come to my office?" My heart dropped, my throat closed up and I knew. As I walked to Maggies van, everything started to feel surreal. " You can tell me now. I already now about the breast cancer." "You have liver cancer" she said. "Ok, can you tell me what stage it is?"
She told me stage 3, but the next day we would find out it was stage 4. I told her thank you and hung up. Funny, isn't it, thank you for telling me I have cancer! I never heard from her again. Maggie had been patiently waiting for me in the van. I got in, looked over at her and told her the latest. "Give me your keys, Im taking you home now".  "No, Maggie, we have a patient right now! We need to get back to work" I said through my tears.
"We are not going back to work. Im taking you home, call Scott and tell him you are coming home".
So bossy Maggie called work and told the girls and they canceled our afternoon. I remember feeling so bad about the patient that was already there waiting for us to work on her teeth! I called Scott and it was like a replay of the day before. "Please come home. I will talk to you then." After this, he never left again for months because he was afraid he would get another phone call. It took him a long time to even leave my side. Maggie gets me home, all the while listening to me repeat over and over, "I cant tell Scott. I cant tell mom. I cant tell Scott. How can I do this to them?" Scott wasn't home yet when we got there so Maggie went in with me. It was so strange. For once we didn't have anything to say. And that's very unusual! We sat on the couch, and would cry a little and then sit in silence. We had been waterproofing our basement and I finally asked her if she wanted to see it. She hesitated, then said "sure". We floated on down to the basement where she made polite comments then back up we went. I don't remember much else until Scott got home. When he walked in the back door, Maggie left. I just looked at Scott, hugged him and managed to choke out those dreadful words. "Its in my liver".  A lot more crying and we just clung to each other for the longest time. I could feel Scott's heart breaking as he held me close. He cried and said he didn't want to lose me. Surely he knew by now how stubborn I am! Its going to take more than this for him to lose me!   Eventually we went out to sit on the porch. Its so weird how our lives changed with that phone call. We hardly knew what to do. As we sat on the porch trying to figure out how to tell our families, I noticed that the porch really needed painted. Had I not sat down long enough lately to notice this? When I mentioned to Scott that I was going to have to paint the porch this summer he just looked at me as if I had just told him I was the Queen of England. He didn't even respond to that! But that's all I could think of, getting that porch painted! Needless to say, it didn't happen that summer! Finally, we called my brother Kevin and asked him if he could get my family together at mom and dads for a family meeting. Beth, my sister -in -law, was able to leave work early and my dad even closed up his shop! We waited until they would all be over there then we went. When we walked in they were all sitting there in the living room, the ones I love so much. I had a hard time even looking at them knowing I was the one causing them so much pain.They had all stopped their busy lives and came rushing home to be there for me. Once again, I just kinda blurted out that the cancer was also in my liver. There were more tears, questions, and hugs. My dad pulled me onto his lap and rocked me like a baby. Finally, we started making calls, or I should say they all did. I could not bring myself to say those words again. I couldn't even think them!! I did get on face book and told it all in my status. Mom wanted to set up a Caringbridge site for me also, for those that wouldn't be on face book. My first reaction was "No!" Caringbridge is for those that are dying!!!! I'm not dying!!! But I told mom to go ahead if she wanted. Later I came to love that site! Altho I was very glad to disable it when it was time. We ordered pizza, ate and talked for awhile. By this time we were getting back to our "normal" selves. I started feeling very positive and knew that with all their love and support I would get through this. We would do it together! We finally left and when I got home I checked face book. I will never forget the outpouring of love and encouragement! And then I noticed Kendra's Fight Team come through the news feed!! My wonderful Aunt Sue had set up a page for me! It was so awesome, as I watched for several hours people joined my Fight Team to help me in this battle. I was so overcome with such powerful feelings of love for these people! I remember my status that night..."going to bed with a smile on my face and love in my heart". Really!! I was smiling!!! Through all the tears and anguish, there was happiness. And I believe that my healing actually started then.