And then what happened....

Ive been asked "what did you do when you found out?" Well, I did the  only thing any reasonable girl would do. I went shopping! Retail therapy! Oh just kidding, I'm not THAT positive! I did have a bad moment or two!
When I left the dr office I hardly knew what to do. I had gone by myself thinking I was just gathering information for getting a silly ole cyst removed.  Scott was two hours away, so I didnt want to go home. Besides, I didnt want to tell my mom until Scott was with me, and mom, being mom, would have been calling me wanting to find out what I had found out. In fact, I had already ignored one phone call from her! Sorry mom!!
I called Scott and asked him to meet me at home. I still wasnt sure what to do, but felt the need to go back to work and be with my co-workers. They are awesome and I knew thats where I needed to be right then. I called Maggie and she met me in the parking lot. Hugs and tears, and lots of encouragement. Maggie ended up being a HUGE help and support throughout all this. She made phone calls, took notes, set up an organizer for me. Not to mention all the phone calls of support to my mom! She went to every dr visit, asked questions that we weren't in the frame of mind to even think about. Then patiently answered all our questions later when we tried to remember what all the dr said! It is my hope that anyone going through a major medical problem has a Maggie!!

Ok, back to my story. I get a little off track when I talk about Maggie, and I just have to tell everybody what a great friend and support she is!

So I went in to work. Its amazing how hard it is to say those words, "its cancer". It was awful. But my work family was so incredible, I will NEVER forget how they all surrounded me, Jim hugging me on one side, Mary on the other side, and the other girls surrounding us, all a tight little huddle of tears. After the initial shock, they got to working on setting me up with a doctor. Jim went and called some of his "connections" and by the time I got home he had an appt with me for two days later! At this time I didnt know about the liver yet. That appt was the next day. The oncologist even stayed after hours so she could see me. That was so wonderful.

I made it home and Scott was waiting for me outside. He was a little pale, and I could see the worry on his face. It broke my heart. I couldn't believe I was doing this to him. He knew it was bad. Once again I had to say those horrible words. We hugged. We cried. I kept telling him it was going to be ok. I just knew it would be. And then we had to go tell mom. To this day I don't know why I didnt wait for dad to get home. But I just needed to tell my mom. Moms always make things better, no matter how old you are! Besides, I figured if I didn't get over there and talk to her she was going to just keep harrassing my phone!!  We drove up and mom was outside doing something with her flowers. She looked up and smiled at me, and I remember thinking, "I cant tell her this. This is going to tear her up."
You know how you look back and wish you would do things differently? Well, this is one of those times. Mom has always been strong. She is the one who taught me my positiveness. She never gets worked up, never blows thing out of proportion, always steady. So I knew she would be my rock. But it must be a little different to be a parent and hear this news. I hope to forget someday how the next few minutes went. But the whole time I was telling her and Scott it was going to be ok. At that time I became determined that it would be ok. I was NOT going to put my mom and Scott through anymore than I had too. I was determined that this would have a good outcome. And I really believed it would!
And it did! And thats enough for now. :) 

The beginning....

2nd post Here is how it all began. The fall of 2008 I stood up and stretched, and just happened to run my hand over my chest. Thats when I felt it. I teeny, tiny little lump. I froze. No! It couldnt be!! So the next day, I called the dr and they said to come right on over. I had just been there for my yearly a couple weeks before. I saw the nurse practitioner, whom I always saw. She did a quick exam, reassured me that it was nothing, just a little cyst. Since I was 39 she suggested that maybe it was time to get a mammogram.  Sounded fine to me. At that time I didnt know that there are routine mammograms and there are diagnostic mammograms. I was sent for a routine mammogram. (even tho I had a lump!) At this time you couldnt see the lump, just feel it. So the tech that took the mammogram didnt know it was there. I anxiously waited for the results, and breathed a huge sigh of relief when it came in the mail!!! A perfectly normal mammogram!!! Yay!!! So, time goes on and this little lump becomes bigger. And bigger! At this point there is no pain, but its becoming very visible. This worrisome little cyst! By the time another year rolls around and its time for another yearly, I'm really wanting it checked out again. It had gotten quite large, even to the point that when I had certain shirts on it was peeking out the top of my collar!!! So I was really wanting to see what the dr had to say about getting this cyst removed. The nurse practitioner that I had seen for many years had retired the year before and I was to see a dr that I had only seen one other time. So she does my exam, and I tell her my concerns about this cyst that is just getting bigger. She feels around, and really does a pretty good job at examining it. Which later makes me realize she must not have seen many cancerous lumps. Again, she calls it a cyst, says I can have it out if I want but it will leave a dent in my breast and did I really want that? Hmmmmmm.....lets see, a dent in my breast or a huge lump sticking OUT of my breast, which do I want?!! She said she could set me up with a surgeon, but since she didnt really think it a big deal I decided to see if I could do some natural things to make the cyst go down instead of surgery. She once again wrote out a script for a ROUTINE mammogram. This was all in the fall of 2009. I wasnt in a big hurry to get the mammogram done, I was busy and since I had just had a clear one a year ago, and the fact that I was only 40, I just put it off. Starting about January of 2010, I started having pain in the area of the lump. I couldn't stretch my arm out straight away from my side either! And the lump was huge by this time. So I decide maybe I better get that mammogram. I made the appt and nervously showed up. When I opened my gown to let the tech place those cute little stickers on me, (if you havnt had a mammogram, look it up!) the tech's jaw dropped. She asked me "What are you doing here? You need to be at Memorial, thats where they do the diagnostic mammograms!" I reassured her that no, my doctor sent me here, this is nothing but fybrosystic breast disease. I could tell she was in a quandry! She finally took the x-rays, then said to me " You really need to get an ultrasound on that! I cant go behind your dr so dont tell them I said this but that lump needs checked out!" I brushed her off, once again placing all faith in my dr. I mean really, the Dr is the Dr! This girl just took the x-rays, for goodness sakes. My Dr should know if this is anything more than a cyst, for crying out loud!! So the results came back, once again all was clear!! Awesome!! Time goes on, cyst is starting to feel hot to the touch, and really painful. Then one Sat. morning I rolled over in bed and "ouch!" A horrible pain in my right side!!! I quickly rolled onto my back. "whew"! the pain went away. I gingery tried to roll to my left side again...."gasp"!!! Very painful! "What in the world did I do to my back!" I thought. As the day went on, my side was a little tender and achy. I made an appt to see my chiropracter, thinking I must have gotten something out. When I went to her, she really didnt see anything that could cause that kind of pain.  A few weeks went by and the pain came and went, but was never as bad as that first day. I once again went to the chiropractor and this time she examined my liver, gallblader area. She recommended that I go to my primary dr because there was nothing wrong with my back that would be causing this kind of pain. I was like. "Really?!! I dont even HAVE  a primary dr! I have never needed one!!" I was annoyed to have to go find a dr and make an appt. I got in to a dr right away in Petersburg. I immediately liked this Dr. She was great! Very professional and nice. She checked me out, and noticed my liver was a little distended, and that she wanted me to have an ultrasound just to see if anything was going on there. So, by this time I thought maybe I should have her look at this cyst just to see if she thinks it should come out. Once again, when I opened my shirt, the poor dr just about had a stroke right there! I could see that she was trying not to look and act too shocked! She told me she was going to send me for an ultrasound of it!!! Now after 1 1/2 years of having this cyst, Im FINALLY getting a dr to send me for an ultrasound. I hadnt even known to ask for one or I would have that very first visit. This was all on a friday. The breast ultrasound was set up for the following Tues and the liver ultrasound for Wed. I give that Dr so much credit for being on the ball! Unfortunately about a month after I started treatment, we got a letter stating she was leaving that practice and going into E.R. care!!! BUMMER!!!!!  So, thats how it came to be that I was already stage 4 when diagnosed. Why didn't I do more? Why did I just take the first two health care professionals word for it? Why didn't I know about ultrasounds? Why, Why, Why!!!! But really, I did everything right, had mammograms and kept having it checked out!!! THe tumor was so high up on my chest that it didnt show up on the mammograms. So I don't beat myself up over it. I cant hang on to those negative thoughts, because it certainly doesn't change the outcome of anything. I dont hold any grudges against the nurse practitioner and the Dr for misdiagnosing me. What good would it do? To be nursing bitterness and hard feelings would only bring me down. I refused to let that happen. I forgive them both, because I know in my heart they didnt mean to. They were careless, yes, but it was not an intentional thing that they did. They are only human. The Dr is aware of all this so Im just hoping that she learned from this and in the furture will treat ANY little lump with a little more concern!
 There is such freedom in forgiveness. To hang on to bitterness, to want to retaliate only brings hardness of heart, and that only brings a heart that cannot be dealt with by God. I am so fortunate that I made it through treatments and didn't even have to have any surgeries or radiation. I have a little scar tissue where the tumor was, and now have a scar where my port was. But a couple physical scars is a small thing, compared to the emotional scarring of a hard heart. I honestly don't think I would have healed so well, if I had clung to bitterness, regrets and grudges. Letting it all go brought peace, and peace brought contentment and joy.

Me? A blogger?!